The Hidden Gift in the Decisions We Face

Life is a series of decisions that are made on a daily, hourly and minute by minute basis. Some of those decisions are between what is right and wrong, good and bad, wise and unwise. But many of those decisions are more subtle. These subtle decisions can be between foolish and prudent, expedient and convenient, lazy and diligent, and even timely and untimely. With each decision comes a number of possible outcomes, some good and some bad. It is possible to make a wrong or bad decision and have a good outcome. It is also possible to make a good or right decision and have a bad outcome. So what is the point? What good are all of the decisions?

As a believer, a redeemed child of God, I have learned that the decisions we face serve four primary purposes. First, so that we learn the truth contained in the paragraph above. Second, so that we learn that the consequences of every decision we make belong to us individually. My decisions may affect others, but I am responsible for them. Third, that we learn that God is totally aware of the decisions we make and the consequences of those decisions before they are even made…and that He loves us (me) regardless. Fourth, that we learn to make better future decisions through the process of living out the consequences of past and current ones. Let me unpack this a little.

The first lesson is easy, but if you don’t get it, read the first paragraph over and over until you do. The second lesson is a little harder. Our tendency is to take credit for decisions with good outcomes. We don’t always brag about them outwardly, but inwardly we pat ourselves on the back. We deserve to get some of the credit, but the real reward for making decisions that end up with good outcomes is more than just a pat on the back. On the other hand, we tend to look for someone or something to blame for the decisions we make that end up with bad outcomes. Blaming someone else or something else may make us feel better at the time but it keeps us from a special reward that is hidden in the process. That reward is the discovery that no one can “make” us do anything, we always have a choice to make in every matter.

Whether we realize it or not, our God is sovereign. So nothing we do catches him by surprise. He is always guiding us to make decisions with His truth and “His-self” in the forefront. As His children He is always with us regardless of situation, consequence or circumstance. If He loved us (me) enough to send Christ while we were still sinners so that we could become His children, then He will always love us (me) as we walk through life as His child…regardless of the outcomes of our decisions. God’s focus is not to get our lives right but rather to get our relationship with Him right. Life is not about never making a bad decision. It is about knowing that God is with me no matter what the circumstances or outcomes may be. And He always loves being with me!

Finally, since God loves us and enjoys being with us, He also wants to see us full of His joy. As a father He wants to give us good gifts, and He loves it when we get excited about those gifts. When I plan and prepare a special gift for my child, I really love it when they are excited to open and experience that gift. Father is the same way. When we make decisions with His truth and “His-self” in the forefront, it is like unwrapping a gift that He has specially prepared. But listen carefully: the consequence or outcome is not the gift. The gift is the smile we see on His face. He has made a way for us that is good and He revels in us when we walk in that way. And when we don’t, He is lovingly redirecting us to that path. God’s love doesn’t wane when we make a bad decision, but His heart does occasionally break. Yet even with a broken heart, He walks with us through the consequences of that bad decision. The lesson to learn from both our good and bad decisions is that it is the process that matters most. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6, New International Version)

By learning from the consequences of our past and current decisions we can learn that our focus should be more on the process of making that decision than on whether the decision is right or wrong. If we purpose to make all of our decisions with His truth and “His-self” in the forefront, we will have found the hidden gift in the decisions we face.

The Foundation of a Spiritual Coach’s Heart

Men’s ministry is one of the latest expanded efforts of pregnancy resource centers across the nation. PRC websites highlight ministry to their clients’ boyfriends, husbands, and the fathers of their babies. There are even national fatherhood initiatives that have sprung up to encourage men, and many PRCs are now incorporating those resources into their ministry efforts as well. One large ministry even offered grants for funding part-time staff to PRCs that initiate their endorsed men’s program. As a man who has been involved intimately with PRCs for 20 years, I say great, wonderful, halleluiah! But in order for men’s ministry in the PRC environment to be truly effective, a new foundation will have to be established in the hearts of the men who will shape it and lead it.

Since the U.S. Supreme Court decided Roe v. Wade, there have been an estimated 50 million abortions performed in this country. I realize that many of those abortions were performed on women who had past abortions. Statistics indicate, however, that the number of individual women who have experienced abortion in the U.S. is approximately 40 million. Additionally, recent statistics predict that by the end of 2010, 40% of the women of childbearing age in the U.S. will have had at least one abortion. Perhaps the most alarming statistic is that one in three women who attend church regularly have had at least one abortion. These numbers are sobering, but they leave out something I feel is absolutely essential to formulating an understanding and effective effort to reduce and potentially eliminate abortion.

If 40 million women have experienced abortion, isn’t it pretty safe to assume that there are a similar number of men who have been involved in abortions as well? If so, there are 40 million men walking around out there who have been complicit in the more than 50 million abortions that have taken place since 1973. The question for you might be, does abortion affect these men? I think that’s the wrong question, though. The right question is, how does abortion affect these men? Abortion certainly affects men differently than woman, but I can assure you that abortion has a profound effect on the life of a man.

When asked, most men don’t remember the dates associated with an abortion, nor do they generally associate a past abortion with the birth of another child, as many women do. So how does a past abortion affect a man? For many, it looks like one of the following struggles, or a combination of them: broken relationships, lack of trust, untrustworthiness, anger issues, depression, substance abuse, intimacy issues, overprotective parenting, heavy-handed discipline, pornography, infidelity, physical ailments and other health issues as well. Now I’m not suggesting that anyone experiencing these struggles has had a past abortion. I am suggesting, however, that when a man who has experienced abortion also has a life marked by one or more of these struggles, they may be linked in some way to his abortion experience.

Now little that I have said so far is new. It may be new to you, but all of it has been said before and extensively documented by people much smarter than me. The new concept that I would like to challenge us to think about is this: it really isn’t just about abortion. I will be the first to proclaim that abortion is wrong, a travesty, evil, violent, etc. Yet I am coming to an understanding that there is something more…something deeper that is wrong in men’s lives that results in their involvement in abortion.

Two concepts in God’s written word come immediately to mind as I think and pray about what we may be missing when abortion is our only focus. The first is the concept of sexual immorality, which unfortunately doesn’t have a clear definition in today’s society. Nonetheless, there are acceptable boundaries that God has defined for our sexual behavior. We are told that sexual immorality is the only sin we commit against our own body. So when we are involved in sexual immorality, our bodies will be impacted—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. God’s boundaries need to be rediscovered and proclaimed through our lives as truly a better way of living than what the world is offering.

Rampant sexual immorality is one of the deeper issues that must be addressed. I don’t want to suggest that every client we see is engaged in sexual immorality, but the vast majority of them are. So whether it is politically correct to say or not, the overwhelming majority of abortions occur because of sexually immoral activity. It should also be noted that there are many who are involved in immoral sexual behavior that do not end up pregnant as a result. Just because they don’t have to face the abortion decision doesn’t mean they face no consequences for their actions. Many suffer from the struggles I mentioned earlier.

At the end of the Old Testament we are told that God is going to send a spirit into the world that will return and reconnect the hearts of fathers to their children and children to their fathers. Attached to this promise is a warning that if we do not heed the spirit He sends, there will be a curse fostered on the land. Now I’m not really sure where we are in this timeline, but I am here to tell you that the hearts of fathers need to be turned toward their children today. What’s that, you say? My heart is toward my children? Great, wonderful, keep up the good work, don’t quit! But you are in the minority.

Somewhere between 30% and 50% of all births today are to single moms, unwed mothers. Half of all marriages end in divorce. In the suburbs, fathers are consumed with their careers and their stuff. In the inner city, violence and prison claim the majority of men’s lives. Kids who have a dad at home who is attentive and involved are the exception, not the norm. But even if a dad is available and involved, is his heart really “for” or “toward” his children? It’s a great question. I thought my heart was for my children; I would have said I was one of those dads. Perception is not always reality.

I recently finished reading Loving Your Kids On Purpose by Danny Silk. It was a great read and a revelation for me. Silk’s premise is the essential heart connection between parent and child—how to build it, mature it, repair it, and keep it. He has helped me recognize that the way I parent my children is a direct reflection of my concept of how Father parents me. Well, as I have learned more about the way Father parents me, I have seen how ungodly my well-intentioned approach to parenting my children has been. Abba, please forgive me. Anyway, I’ve been working on the heart connection I have with my kids and making it the priority of our relationship. What I think is happening is that I am actually turning my heart toward my children.

My conclusion is that we need to settle the ambiguous issue of sexual immorality and learn what it means to be fathers with hearts turned toward our children. Once those issues are galvanized in our own souls, we will need to help others come to the same realizations. Over the next weeks and months I will be sharing a way for each of us to engage others in the process. So if your heart has been stirred and you recognize the validity and value of what I have shared, send me your thoughts and comments as we walk this journey together.

Freedom from the consequences of sexual immorality and abortion:

My heart is to minister God’s love, forgiveness, and restoration into the Church. Today, over 25% of women and men in “evangelical” and “fundamental” churches have had at least 1 abortion experience in their life. Beyond that, over 70% of the women and men in those same churches have a history of sexual immorality; many still in bondage to it or affected by it today. Some of the ills of the church today; the breakdown of the family, the mass departure of our young people, and the sexual immorality among our teens, can be directly and indirectly attributed to our past sexual immorality. Only God’s love, forgiveness and restoration can change that.

I have prepared a message series that brings our brother’s and sister’s face to face with a loving God who desires to see them truly walk in the love and forgiveness of Jesus. Through my own testimony I share the power of redemption over past sexual immorality and how God uses our redeemed past to become the pathway to our purpose as ministers of the Gospel.

The introductory message is a 30-40 minute presentation that focuses on the good news God offers to those who have experienced sexual immorality and abortion. I touch on the consequences and how those consequences affect people’s lives; especially how they affect the life of a Christian. The purpose of this introductory message is not to point fingers or identify those who have experienced sexual immorality or abortion. The purpose of this message is to equip people in the church to bring the reality of God’s love, forgiveness and restoration to those in their lives who are struggling with the aftermath of sexual immorality and abortion.

Over the next few days I will be sharing more of this with you. Your input and prayers are always welcome.

Coach

The value of those we coach

As we build relationships that will impact the Kingdom of God, it is important to move from a name into recognition of value. After all, the value of each individual is a primary motivation for our coaching. God really does have a plan for every individual. Everyone has been created to complete the “works” God has appointed them for. We often hear these ideas and many of us have said them to others. But, the labor of the coach is to help someone discover what that plan is and to engage in the works by faith. If we are not motivated by love (regarding the other person above ourselves) then our coaching will fall short. A good coach is willing to encourage any player, but cannot coach every player. You are responsible to coach the players appointed to your team. The first step in discovering who is on your team is to ask God to give you a deep heart ache for the ones he sends your way. When your concern for the success of someone else surpasses the concern for your own success, you may have discovered someone to pour your life into. Look closely at those around you and listen to your heart. Try it and watch what happens.

Your name is important

If you are anything like me, you have a hard time remembering names. I like to say that I can remember faces but names are a bigger challenge. The truth is I have a hard time with faces too. I was recently impressed by a pastor that remembered the names of each of my children (6) as well as my wife as we prayed together after an hour long meeting. Well, God knows that some of us have better memories than others and I believe that he offers grace to those of us with shorter memories than others, but what we fail to see is the importance of a person’s name. God spoke specifically to Abraham, Jacob, Moses, Peter and Paul and did so by calling them “by name.” When Jesus spoke to his disciples he called them by their names. Names are important for us to remember because a person’s name is important to God. As we initiate and build godly relationships with those God has placed in our lives, we need to recognize that one of the first steps is acknowledging them by name. It is impossible to build a godly relationship without remembering a person’s name. Try it and watch what happens

Yielding Your Life

19 years ago I was faced with a dilemma, a crisis of faith. I had been walking with the Lord for 6 years, studying, listening, learning and praying. I thought I was leading a victorious life for Jesus. Life circumstances changed and I found myself laying in a hospital bed near death for the first time in my life. As I took stock of my life I became profoundly aware of something that shocked me. God showed me that although I was his child and had been doing the things Christians do, I was in fact trying to “do my own thing’ and asking God to bless it rather than seeking that which He had planned for me to do. I thought that by experiencing worldly success I would then be able to afford to venture into Kingdom endeavors. Like many others, I spent most of my prayer time asking God to bless what I was doing so that I could reap the benefits. As my heart tenderized to the truth, I began to yield my life to the point that I uttered these words for the first of many times “I will go wherever you tell me and do whatever you tell me to do, I belong to you.” My life and my walk with Jesus changed forever that day. Set your plans and expectations aside…yield your life today. Try it and watch what happens.

Check our own hearts God.

Two weeks have passed since the historic election of the first African American to the office of President of the United States of America. As a kid who remembers forced integration and curfews during the infamous Detroit riots, I have to admit that I didn’t think I would witness this in my lifetime. Personally, a part of me is proud of my country. I hope that an African American President can bring healing to the American soul…a soul that still suffers from our past sins...a soul that needs to step away from the rhetoric that inflames black and white bigotry and racism. God please heal us.

As I have thought about the issue of slavery over the last week, I can’t help drawing a parallel between that great human tragedy in our nation’s history and the great human tragedy of abortion today. Sure, you’ve heard that before but the slant I want to look at today is something I haven’t heard before. Slavery is based in a concept that elevates a group of people and their philosophies above another group or groups of people to the extent that the superior group imposes its will on the subordinate group(s). To the extreme, the philosophy of superiority takes command over the lives of the subordinate group, even to the point of death.

Today, the “group” of people who believe their philosophies to be superior are those who contend that it is the right of a woman to decide whether she will terminate the life of her unborn child without regard for the right of the unborn child to live. Additionally, even the right of the father must be subordinate to the philosophy of this superior group. So, two groups of people, fathers and unborn children, are now subject to the imposed philosophies of the superior group. In other words, the unborn child is in effect the slave of the mother and subject to her will, even to the point of death.

In the past, the slave owner had ultimate control over the life and the death of his property. If that property was an inconvenience or posed and economic burden to the slave owner, he was free to get rid of his property or even have it put to death. Haven’t we learned that no one person or one group of people have the right to impose their will unto death over any other group of people. And haven’t we learned that a primary purpose of government is to make sure it never happens? If what I have just touched on is true, then aborting children with the governments blessing is morally equivalent to slave owners imposing their will on another group of people (slaves) with the government’s blessing.

How can this country ever be healed of the ravages of slavery when we continue to operate with the same heart today? Only a great move of God in the lives of his children will bring about the healing the soul of this nation needs. We must give up our selfish superiority and the thought that our philosophy can be imposed on anyone. Only a willing participant can set themselves aside and regard all others as greater than himself.